And There Is So Much More
Dear reader,
The images in this post, and my story, are reaching you at the generous invitation of Bader + Simon, an organization supporting art and artists in unique ways. It is an introduction to the current online exhibition featuring the work of two incarcerated artists, one of whom is the focus of my story.
Being invited to write this post, a personal story of one of the artists referred to above, Chad Merrill, is a privilege. My intent in taking on the daunting task is to humanize the thousands of people serving sentences inconsiderate of the circumstances that led to them being convicted and sentenced for whatever they may have done. Many, indeed a vast majority, are being held in conditions no one should endure; conditions which prevent rehabilitation and the opportunity to make amends; and can or absolutely will end in death. If I can reach even one person with this post who revisits their beliefs about those who are incarcerated, and they take their newfound understanding out into their circles of influence, and that spreads, Bader + Simon and I will have done a very good thing.
My name is Sandra Miller. I have been doing advocacy against solitary confinement, sentences of life without chance of parole, and the death penalty for many years, primarily by taking actions requested by trusted nonprofits and advocacy writing to my representatives, signing petitions, and participating in public protests by following online publications such as Solitary Watch, Worth Rises, Prisoner Express, etc. Most of what I do in this regard however is correspond with incarcerated people through nonprofits that have pen pal programs. Over decades I have been fortunate to have written to people of several races (and oh how I hate that word as we are all one human race), ethnic backgrounds, educational experiences (including PhDs), religious beliefs, sexual orientations (one was Linda, a transgender woman who was allowed to die in prison of untreated medical needs), and crimes/sentences. Most of my past pen pals have been released, and chose not to stay in touch, which is not uncommon. Staying in touch for them is a reminder of their incarceration which they wish to move beyond. Some simply cannot sustain a pen pal relationship over a long period of time for any number of reasons. I occasionally still send notes to those serving life sentences though I know they will not respond. What follows is far from my whole story, or Chad’s.
Of all my pen pals ever, Chad Merrill stands out. He has a core place in my heart, and endures as a lifelong friend. This post is dedicated to Chad, who entered my life through the original iteration of Justice Arts Coalition, aka JAC, founded by the incredible Wendy Jason. In 2019 I started working with her as a sometime volunteer. She and I spent a great deal of time putting together what was to be an in-person exhibition of the original artworks that incarcerated artists had trusted her with at the modest gallery I facilitate. The quality of work I was privileged to see and handle was truly wonderful. And then there was Covid. The exhibition could not take place as planned. Wendy spent innumerable hours putting all the work into an online exhibition, and people were able to see an expansive display by people who are too readily disenfranchised.
Wendy collaborated with the Phillips Collection, a museum in Washington, DC, to host a Zoom “write night” event. Images of participating artists were shared on screen with volunteers who came with the expectation of writing to one or more artists whose work moved them. For me, that was Chad Merrill. Here is a transcript of my first letter to him dated 22 August 2020, hand written during the event:
Hello Chad,
I’m a sometime volunteer with JAC, and an artist.
The piece of yours that I am currently in “conversation” with during the online workshop with JAC and the Phillips Collection is untitled. It captured me the moment I saw it. (I am loath to say that if there ever was a way to capture an image of the piece, I was unable to do so.)
I admire the lengths to which you went to create the drawing. How many people would think to employ the ink out of a pen in order to paint, not to mention the risk of breaking rules on the inside. You’re awesome!
The image is still up on my screen, and it is literally staring at me. The one “clear” eye strikes me in so many ways – beseeching, vacant, seeing everything, and hollow. And there’s, to me, an interaction happening between that eye and your signature – an invitation to see your personhood.
And there is so much more! You evoke a sense of melting away in how you’ve painted the whole image – drips and empty spaces like wax in the heat, or a lava flow. For me there’s also a sense of persistence of existence in the grey areas that hint of the shadow of being still present despite that the person is “incomplete”. There’s also something very strong (well the whole piece is very strong) in the emphatic darkness of the segment in the lower left-hand corner.
This drawing/painting will be with me for a long, long time.
I also have a tremendous curiosity about your feelings about this work, and what is the story behind it for you. That’s something you may not want to share, but if you do…
(My contact info)
I will be thinking about you, and wish you all the best under the circumstances.
Sincerely, Sandra
Chad wrote his reply to me on 4 September 2020, and you will note that he capitalizes “I” when referring to himself, however consistently not the pronouns i’m and i’ve if they appear mid-sentence. To me it speaks volumes about the dehumanization he has experienced for too many years, including pre-incarceration. The caution here being that I am prone to examine and read into what catches my attention.
The letter transcription:
Sandra,
Hey there how are you? I hope this letter finds you in good health and high spirits. I got your letter today and I appreciate all your kind words. Thank you Sandra. It still blows me away to think that my art is liked and admired by people outside these walls especially since I don’t have real art stuff and i’ve only been painting 2 yrs. I guess I thought that one day i’d be decent and maybe I could actually be seen as a real painter. It’s such a cliche thing to say but art really did save my life in here and in a weird way I feel like I owe it to “art” to put my heart into it, ya know? Also I tend to get lost when I paint, like i’m removed from this cell and however brief the freedom, I’m free.
You asked about this piece and the story behind it, That piece started w/ the idea of painting w/penink and making it look like watercolor or actual spilled paint. Portraits are what I love to paint, each one is different, so many emotions w/ just a look and eyes, if done right, can look straight into you. What you see is what came to be. I’ve seen a lot of “dripping” faces and I like how in the chaos of dripping paint a face can emerge even if it is just for a second. Each piece I paint is just part of the whole. What i’m trying to say is that every time I paint I can see improvement and each risk I take pays off in my journey to becoming a real painter. I’d love to paint something for you if you’d like. Your words really mean a lot to me and have given me more motivation to stay on track and what a better way to thank you. If there’s a person or theme or whatever you’d like me to paint just say so.
A picture of 4 sculptures was included w/ your letter, are they yours? You said you were an artist. I’ve never seen sculptures aside from on T.V. Sitting here and looking at them i’m so curious and intrigued. What are they made of, how did you make them, what do they represent, are sculptures the only way you make art? I know, i’m sorry, I just am so curious. If it’s not too much, i’d really love to know more. There’s one I am drawn to more than the rest. It looks … (nevermind) here’s the picture, may I have it back if you decide to write. So, what I really like about it is that it appears to be on a piece of wood, chipped and raw and the meeting of the 2, metal and wood is brilliant. The steep slopes and gentle curves at the peak make me feel like the wire is like an infinite wave paused in motion and the way the shadows play on the white wall behind it give it this entirely new beauty. Well done Sandra. Thank you for sharing w/me. I hope to hear back from you soon and look forward to learning more about you and your art.
Take care,
Warmly,
Chad
my piece titled Ephemeral Presence that he references:
Since he has been in his current location I have been unable to send him postcards through a wonderful company, Flikshop, started by a formerly incarcerated man. Senders can upload an image to the front of a postcard, and write a message on the back. Every incarcerated person I’ve sent these to has appreciated them, and uses them to decorate their cells. Each card I sent to Chad had a different image of one of my own art pieces, or on rare occasions an image of a sunset or other beautiful photo I had taken. When I email him now, I am unable to attach images as the system says the files are too big. Welcome to JPay.
Chad has become an integral part of my story, just ask my friends how often I talk about him. Because of him my small part of working for carceral justice is more important to me than ever. He is serving a prison sentence of life without chance of parole, which is in other words government sanctioned murder. I am helpless to change the outcome, though I and others have, and continue to try.
Chad is different in many ways from my other pen pals. He is self-taught intellectually because he is extraordinary curious, extremely caring of others, taught himself to paint, and gone to great lengths to practice his art in an environment that discourages it at every turn. He gives as much or more then he receives as evidenced by his having, in his most recent past placement, purchased crayons and paper for everyone in the cell block to ease a particularly stressful time. For these reasons it is also true that Chad is important and dear to several other people, who are now part of my story with him as well.
JAC and Chad are the adhesive that brought us together and gave us the opportunity to know and support him from new and different perspectives. We are four women of different ages and backgrounds that met through the former JAC, and includes Wendy whose dedication, farsightedness, and dedication to incarcerated individuals, especially artists of which there are many, has been an influence on me and in the carceral justice movement. I started doing some volunteer work with Wendy in 2019, the early days of the original JAC vision, putting together what was to have been an in-person exhibition in a space which I facilitate. We were unable to do so because of Covid, but Wendy made an online exhibition happen and our efforts come to fruition in a different way. (Oddly, Chad was not part of that show to the best of my knowledge – a sad result of being old or my not having yet connected to him personally yet.)
Even as Chad’s and my admiration for one another grew, the letters grew less frequent for many reasons on both sides for some time. One was that he was being punished by sporadically being deprived of his mail, and his letters to me were not processed or even put in the mail. The latter a not infrequent situation from prison facility to facility. As I write this, he is not receiving snail mail, and has told me not to write. He can’t send snail mail either, and even if he could he is currently being censored. He has undergone a few transfers, none of his own accord, with all personal belongings taken away from him each time. Personal belongings, such as they might be, are regularly taken away in unpredictable midnight raids.
A verbatim letter from him dated 23 December 2020:
Hey there I just received your letter dated 11.12.20 it seems mail is very slow but i’m happy to hear back from you. I hope you’re staying healthy and safe. Things are crazy around here lately and i’m trying to be proactive in raising awareness about these officers neglecting their duties to stop the spread. We’ve been locked down going on a few months and many people are sick. These officers have done nothing to keep things clean. I’m in the grievance process for a lot of these issues and have written the ACLU and Prison Policy Initiative trying to find help but have heard nothing back yet.
Anyways I don’t mean to drop all that on you. Happy late Birthday! How was it? Did you do anything special? You know, the lifestyle I was living here in prison before I started painting in October of 2018 I knew how I was gonna die in here. All the guess work had been taken out of my future and in May I’ll be 35, I never thought i’d be this age. I’m happy that I made changes and that my life is now mine and I get to choose how I live. (me -I am still stunned as I reread/type this that given his sentence is life without chance of parole he can be positive about being alive. The resiliency he has shown every time the odds are against him in any number of ways, he finds his footing and life force again and again. That alone would be reason to stay CONNECTED to Chad. He is an amazing human being.)
I’m happy that my art is liked by others and that i’m able to paint for others. It brings me real joy to be able to create and get feedback from people like you. Who knew? The colored pens that I sometimes use I get from officers. It’s against the rules but i’ve built a few friendships w/ a couple of officers that are artists themselves. I trade my art to them for pens. I don’t get to do it a lot b/c they have to sneak my art out w/o being caught as well as sneak me a pen. How I wish I could just have a real paintbrush and many colors to explore. (Note: none of us who love and support Chad, are unable to send him art supplies, even from theoretically authorized services like Amazon. In previous circumstances he was able to receive books that way, but without notice guards will come into cells and confiscate and destroy everything for no reason, generally in the middle of the night.) One day I’ll be able to have creative freedom. I also fear that because D.O.C. loves to take, take, take as a way of punishing us so I’ve made it my mission to learn to paint w/ just the basics so that no matter what they take from me I’ll always have pens, paper and toothbrushes (to make paintbrushes). I don’t have access to the internet to check out the Sumi-e paintings but they sound very cool and I hope to see them one day. I like the contrast of the red ink to the black and I tend to use only a little at a time so that when the mood strikes I can use more. It generally takes me 3 or 4 black pens to do a full page painting and I only blow a drop out of the colored pens at a time to conserve them. I try to paint every day but usually only get to a few times a week because I lack pens and the paper I have to get sent in under guise of being a letter, so I them write on each page in pencil so that I can erase it using the rubber from my shoes and only write “I love you” kinda small. (I’ve tried this many times but every time my packages were confiscated.) We can’t have pencils or erasers at this custody level so the writing has to be light. Hell Sandra, it takes a lot of moving parts to go right, just so I can paint. What I love about painting in pen is that it has forced me to be very careful and not have the luxury of making many mistakes, I can’t afford to.
I’ve blabbed enough about me and my art, I’m very much interested in yours. I think they are amazing and bold and your creative uses for objects is very cool. I wonder if you and I could collaborate on a piece? Maybe I could do a painting and you could do a sculpture that interprets it? What do you think? It could be fun. You said you have a series of Sumi-e style paintings in mind on your homemade paper, if you’d like I would love to paint something on a piece of your paper for you. You’d just have to send me a sheet like so (pic of a piece of paper with very light “I love you” drawn in the margin) written in pencil on both sides. (Needless to say, I sent him 6 pages of my handmade paper, inscribed as ordered, yet it was confiscated before Chad even had a chance to see them, touch them, to get a sense of the different kinds of paper I make. It made us both very sad.) Enclosed is a painting I did for you, I hope you like it Sandra. I can’t wait to hear from you. Stay safe.
Respectfully
Chad
P.S. I’ve really been trying to get a book of art put together. Do you know how I may go about doing that? I have no clue where to even start. All I know is that i’d like to put together my very own book. Can you help me? If not, could you point me in the right direction. My goal would be to make $ and donate a portion to raise awareness about prison and mental health in here, to give fellow artists that don’t have much of a chance to help themselves by being creative and helping them w/ a platform. If there’s anything you could help w/ i’d be most appreciative. I’m also going to ask Wendy Jason at JAC but I know how busy she is. Thank you again, Sandra
If memory serves for timing, it was between this last letter and what comes next that Chad painted the walls of his cell with Van Gogh’s Starry Night! Can you even imagine?
In March 2021 I was diagnosed with cancer. Chad was a faithful companion during my journey in ways I can never describe. Our friendship was just one year old, yet it deepened in ways that defy words. He wrote when he could, but I couldn’t possibly transcribe every letter over the years of our ever-deepening friendship. In one of our phone calls he spoke of having read Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning, and suggested that I read it. It had changed his life, and he thought it might help me. It may be the first time I told him I was Jewish yet worshiping in a small Christian progressive church, and that I had read it many years before in high school. It weighed on me, and I went out and got a used copy and read it again. It was as hard to read as the first time, and it was also inspiring in the personhood and hopefulness that Frankl held for humankind. Indeed, it affected me in ways I would not have imagined. I recommend to all in your own journeys of personhood.
In 2023 Chad was transferred to a different prison, in a different state, with 5 years non-negotiable segregation (meaning he is in a highly monitored cell block for people deemed to be a potential risk, one person to a cell, and limited access to time out in the exercise yard (often not allowed at all despite laws to the contrary.) In his new/current location mail service is an issue. If he gets his mail at all, it isn’t in anything you would call a timely manner. He has actually told me not to snail mail him as someone else in his cell block might get it, which could be used in harmful ways. Luckily, when he isn’t deprived of phone privileges (when it is working), he gets one call a week, and I am sometimes the one on rotation of his family and friends. He only gets time at the “kiosk” once a week, and after one phone call, he barely has time to download the incoming emails he gets onto his prison issued tablet with its limited capacity. This has made staying present to one another in the way that we had been for several years difficult. Here is an email he sent me on 12.17.23, shortly after his transfer:
My lovely Sandra,
Good morning. I get so happy each time I see your name pop up on my message board. I love you. hmm... let me see, where do I start??? I want to tell you that I'm alright, even when I'm not. I'm doing my best to maintain my resolve as much as possible. This is not a great situation to be in and I'm truly struggling to get through each day. I feel so out of place here. Lost. Its hard enough with minimal communications to all of you and now that's being taken away for a year. When I arrived here in September I was given a physical, blood draw, urine test, x- ray, etc. My labs came back last week with trace amounts of suboxen and heroin so per their policy I was written up for .019 nanograms of suboxen and my phone and visits were taken for a year. The physical was administered because I was hospitalized in Colorado not long before I left because I overdosed on heroin and to be honest Sandra, all I wanna do now is get high. I know its a shitty thing to say but I'm not as strong as people think and I have been trying like a motherfucker to keep my head straight. I'm losing this battle love. I need you all more than I can express and preserving my mind while I try to survive this place and survive myself isn't easy. I'm sorry I'm just laying all of this on you. I'll end this by saying that I love you dearly and I miss the hell outta you. I'll leave you with this, the list of things I wanna do more or wish I could do more.
sing in the shower, treat everyone I meet as a possibility, watch a sunset at least once a season, leave the bathroom cleaner than when I went in, never exchange a thoughtful gift, strive for excellence not perfection, plant a tree on one of my birthdays, learn to tell three good jokes a year, compliment three people everyday making sure one of them is me, try doing something I'm not good at, never waste an opportunity to tell some you love them, by the way, I love you Sandra, think big thoughts but relish in small pleasures, floss even if I can't brush my teeth, over tip good service, say thank you a lot, be forgiving of myself and others will be easier, buy whatever kids are selling on card tables in their front yards, wear good shoes, celebrate all family holidays, even when I'm not feeling it, commit myself to gentle improvement, have a firm handshake, sign my name with flare, look people in the eye, be first to say hello, be last to end a hug, smell before I taste, eat with savoring delight, pastries make you fat but so what, never snitch to lessen my guilt, never let others burn from my heat, do something creative whether it pays or not, answer phones cheerfully, never value anything more than relationships or peace of mind, feed strangers, be dependable more than excusable, expect life to be fair and see that it is, question what I don't know out loud, stop at a mistake- admit to it and evaluate it, failure is the universe telling me to go in another direction or do it a different way, keep in mind that Anger is just one letter short of Danger, we were made to be violent, to kill what we eat- most times you don't have to be, but if you ever must fight, be a man or a beast, fight hard and dirty, go outside sometimes at night to see the moon, drink water often, never withhold love to punish somebody i love, stick to my word and see that i do, don't give it as often, go barefoot in the grass, lend an ear, especially listen to my elders, they know more, have lots of sex when I know its right.. not in here, rekindle old friendships, applaud even small, sincere efforts, don't throw away love letters, take long baths, music goes with everything, art often trumps science, let someone romance me, faith is really real, keep most things simple, there's more to me than the worst thing I've ever done, think village not state, be careful on my vices, admire character, imitate what I admire, big usually means some waste, obey my moral judgement before any law, sit in candlelight when confused, share my gifts, recognize goodness, learn more than I have, know when to let go, a little humility goes a long way, let myself be sad....
well, that's enough for now, I love you and miss you.
Chad
It breaks my heart, though there is a bright spot! While it is a long drive, with other extenuating circumstances, I can now visit Chad in person on occasion. He is allowed one in person visit a month, for one hour, but better than nothing. I went to see him in January, and even with 2 inches of bullet proof glass between us, and talking through a compromised phone system, it still moves me deeply to recall how life-giving the experience was for both of us. I am an ordained chaplain in the small church I referenced earlier, whose focus is on peace and justice. I should be entitled to once a week phone calls and once a month in person visits that would not diminish the number of phone calls or in person visits he is entitled to others. However, the Department of Justice in the state in which he is currently incarcerated has stone walled me saying that my status as an authorized visitor cannot be changed to chaplaincy visits, period. Chad is most days doing better then he was in that last email, but if you believe in sending positive thoughts into the universe on behalf of someone, please include Chad when you do.
If you are still reading this you might be asking what happened to Chad’s request to do a collaborative project. This blog post, and the very related online exhibition of his work is what I hope is only the first such collaboration we can do to make the book a reality, printed on my handmade paper. It is my intention to work with another dear friend of his, Ava, who is the custodian of the artwork Chad has managed to get out – more on that in just a paragraph – to make the prototype of a book of his art. Once done I will try to find a printer who can produce an issue of it and get it out into the world. His idea to do this is a couple of years old at this point, and I can attest to the fact that he will use any funds the project makes to help others. A big hurdle is finding the funds to do this at all. It was another way that he has expressed his deep caring for others in the direst of circumstances. You can learn more about Chad by visiting the website that Ava set up at https://chadmerrillart.com. The breadth of his art, especially given his circumstances, is impressive in this devoted friend’s opinion, and you can get an idea there of what will be presented in the oft-mentioned upcoming online exhibition. That exhibition will reach far more people than the website does, as this blog post hopefully will. The point of it all is to humanize people who are incarcerated; to raise awareness of the injustices in the system; and hopefully energize some of you to take actions to make your government representatives aware of the need for major reform.
When I was invited to be part of Bader + Simon’s projects in this way I wasn’t sure how the writing would go. Choosing images of Chad’s art work for this blog and the online exhibition was easy. Telling the story of a precious and deeply personal relationship is another matter altogether. As I wrote I was frustrated. There is so much to convey, and words will never really suffice to paint the picture of a truly extraordinary man, or offer an affecting message that moves people.
I thank you for reading even this small part of one story of the man who is Chad Merrill.
Respectfully,
Sandra Miller